Sunday, June 6, 2010
The Waiting...
The night just breaks away to pieces,
but i'm still standing here
waiting for the dead sun to move along.
I've seen a million times these faces,
and what lies beneath,
But I wish i didnt have to be the one.
And everytime you hurt,
I must hurt more than you,
and everytime you fall, I skin my knees.
Now i stand here just your puppet,
whose head you tore apart,
cause i refuse to dance as you please.
And i gave you my soul, my life,
prayed you get my heaven too,
as you ripped the feathers off my bony wings.
Why do you fear i'd fly,
when i have no where to go to?
when i skimper, like your dog, when your bell rings.
You've walked across my soul,
you know its every corner,
cant you no longer see what i hide?
You burned your stamp into my skin,
And I, took it for an honour,
till you concealed me like a blemish to your pride.
And every treasure that i own,
has only come from you,
do you see me not as one who would repay?
didnt you hear my glass heart shatter,
when you crowned me mistress to your pain,
and you spun so meaningless in blinding rage.
And the world begins to spin,
the haze begins to fade,
yet i can smell this delirium on my skin
would you hold me close
would let me go my mind cant decide,
And I keep paying playing praying
to pay just for your sins.
And I love you oh so dearly,
and Ive failed you every time,
and as i try leaving, i can only pray,
But If the world starts to crumble,
my blind arms would reach for you,
and tonight its your safety
that makes me walk away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I know there is a break..and i rushed into writing it..really need input..after this very long writers block. And Hey! : ]
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you know, it was disconnected. Dreamy, and yes it had a break in it...But I can only admire the way to made up for it in the last two stanzas. Why are you so depressed?
ReplyDeletethe way you*
ReplyDeleteIm jailed. Thats why..literally jailed..im in a horrid..horrid mood right now. And thank you.
ReplyDelete... a mesmerizing narrative ... melancholic but bewitching ... "the night just breaks away to pieces" ... is a stark, dark and an immensely poetic image ... simple and lucid ... "waiting for the dead sun to move along" ... stunning imagery again ... a wait that weighs more on the inside than on the outside ... beautifully expressed ... "now i stand here just your puppet" ... "whose head you tore apart" ... graphic and powerful ... "cause i refuse to dance as you please" ... a haunting expression of "the saturation point" ... a poignant breaking away from emotional control ... "as you ripped the feathers off my bony wings" ... graphic and heart-breaking ... expressing all too clearly a spirit squashed with brutal force ... "where do you fear i'd fly" ... (i'd recommend "where did you fear i'd fly) ... "when i have nowhere to go" ... "when i skimper, like your dog" ... excruciating yet with a silent resilience ... "walked across my soul" ... "and I, took it for an honour" ... "till you concealed me like a blemish to your pride" ... incredibly potent poetic protest against being judged severely and wrongly ... brilliantly expressed ... and then this riveting unraveling in this dark journey ... "and every treasure that i own" ... "has only come from you" ... "do you see me not as one who would repay?" ... echoing the pain inflicted by blatantly hurled false accusations ... "and you spun so meaningless in blinding rage" ... the resilience of the narrator sparkles through as the narrator identifies with poetic precision a damaging "rage" ... "the haze begins to fade" ... as reality emerges ... "and i keep paying, praying" ... "to pay just for your sins" ... a tormented spirit still writhing ... trying ... crying ... for a place of peace ... a space of peace ... amazingly well expressed ... and some memorable alliteration too ... "and as i try leaving, i can only pray" ... "but if the world starts to crumble" ... "my blind arms will reach you" ... exquisite thought ... exquisite poetry ... the echo of an aching heart ... resounding lines ... "and tonight it's your safety" ... "that makes me walk away" ... amazing ... the lingering goodbye ... the unending exit from a soul ... a transition ... in transit ... before a transformation ... remarkable verse (poem) ... haunting ... and immensely moving ...
ReplyDeleteserah
http://www.writerscafe.org/serah
http://thefourthdimensionblog.blogspot.com/
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeletesaid...
ReplyDeleteIt scares me. Like you wrote it all night. not being jailed anymore. the anger is dead now. yeah. you have like nothing more to say or feel.
just writing down the past abuses on a paper of present .
this doesn't gives me a good feeling, nor makes me sad. but afraid for you. how are you?
it has got breaks. just like the ones you portray through words too.
manisha.
Why don't I get comments like that on my poems >_>
ReplyDelete@ Serah ~ I don't know who you are..or how you found this blog. I dont know if you are a writer..but would like to know if you are. Im just glad you found me..and happy that you took so much time to give me your analysis. And Thank you..for your really kind words. Do take a look around if you wish to read more.
ReplyDelete@ Manisha ~ It isnt past abuse..and yet its something so bottled. and im glad you dont feel sad..cause pity isnt one emotion i would like to invoke..atleast not to this.
Thank you so much. and im fine..with yall here. how are you?
@ Sharad ~ : ] *huggles**
... i am the editor of an online poetry magazine called "the fourth dimension blog" ... seems like it's only a few weeks away from becoming a viable professional endeavour ... one of my readers happened to find manisha's blog and sent me the link ... from there i scoped out your blog, aazhar's blog, fareed's blog and sharad's blog ... you're very welcome for the review ... i am likely to read more verse from your universe of verse soon ...
ReplyDeleteserah
http://www.writerscafe.org/serah
http://thefourthdimensionblog.blogspot.com/
That will make me very happy. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI like it, albeit the first two stanzas only. I think you could have concluded this poem then and there. The rest, to me, came like a redundant explication to the original.
ReplyDelete... i was hoping you could find the time for the poem posted here ...
ReplyDeletehttp://www.writerscafe.org/writing/Lonestar66/559697/
serah
http://www.writerscafe.org/serah
http://thefourthdimensionblog.blogspot.com/
Ahem, seems like someone is trying to get some free attention. (Not you Shraddha, *looking up*)
ReplyDeleteAnyway.
I do sort of agree with Fareed that it said the same at the beginning at the end. However, I do not see anything wrong with that either.
I loved it. And related to it. It was what I couldn't put into words when thinking how I felt with...
Well anyway.
Loved it m'dear.
tempus fugit
ReplyDeletei found you in poetry
on a date with verse
but i lost you
on a date with prose
the weather withered
and again in spring
i enslaved prose
to pay heed to poetry
hoping to find you
in metaphors
maybe i will
in the fourth dimension
when time is tangible
and the thin line
between prose and poetry
ceases to exist
... it's a dedication ... to the only person i read and write poetry for ... you could delete it after you've read it ... no problemo ... :) ...
@ Fareed ~ Agreed. But im just glad i caught your attention
ReplyDelete@ Rachel ~ Thank you Sweetheart.
@ Serah ~ The poem posted on that site..is good..a lil too much gore for my normal taste but it really grips you..and makes you breathe it in and imagine..you feel like you are in slime which is a lil hard to do..so really good work id say/
As for the one youve posted here...i loved it every bit of it..till metaphors
from maybe in the fourth dimension i really felt it fell flat..you should maybe add onto this..cause that last line was like a statement..technically it seemed ideal cause you did in this poem at one point lose you poetry to prose..if that was the effect you were trying to capture then great..if not..twist the end up a bit..i guess.
... merci beaucoup ... :) ...
ReplyDeletehmmm didnt know this comm was active :)
ReplyDeleteWe're always here bhaskar...coming and going..<3
ReplyDelete